“Is that the bad guy?”
I love reading adventure stories with my boys who are five and three. We usually try to read at least two or three chapters on most school nights (after dance parties, Super Mario UNO, and Catan Jr.). During a recent reading session, my oldest got really excited to predict which character was the villain.
He would listen and ask, “Is that the bad guy?” Sometimes he would guess right, others times he was curious that one person could wind up doing something so mean. That character was there the whole time… how could they act in a way that was so unkind to the people they had spent so much time with?
“We are all told to ignore bullies. It’s something they teach you and they can teach you anything. It doesn’t mean you believe it. One should never ignore bullies.”
LEMONY SNICKET, “Shouldn’t You Be In School?”
A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.
Proverbs 11:17
Examine Your Leadership
There is a growing problem of “bully leadership” in churches that is starting to feel like an epidemic, and I wanted to name at least some of the symptoms that I have observed and heard reported from ministry friends in the last few years.
Bullies Like To Be Disruptive
This symptom is small but when you start to notice, it can grow and fester. Bully leaders are often unnecessarily and consistently disruptive and interrupting. Maybe it is easier to spot during a season of Zoom-fueled meetings, but bullies love to cut off others without remorse. The constant interruptions are not helpful and eventually begin to wear down teammates, shaving off their desire to share, contribute, and care.
Minister Heart Check:
Do I speak quickly or listen quickly?
Do I listen or just wait for my turn to talk?
Bullies Are Often Unclear
A phrase a friend uses a lot is “clarity is kind.” So, you know what is not kind, being unclear. This is especially true when you ask them to clarify. If you are a leader or working with a leader who is unable or unwilling to offer clarity, then you have a symptom of a bully-ish leader.
Minister Heart Check:
When I give instructions, do I fight not against my team, but for clarity?
Do I welcome followup questions from my teammates to clarify my thoughts?
Bullies Like To Play Favorites
This one seems small, but it is a telltale symptom of someone who wants to manipulate control. The leaders who play favorites will usually play “unfavorites,” which is an unusually nice way of saying they like having a scapegoat.
Bully-leaders like to play favorites because it skews relationships towards their power and leadership and creates odd incentives to hush or look past gross behaviors.
I don’t know if you have ever been around a leader who played favorites, but if you aren’t in the inner circle, then you probably don’t want to stick around long.
Minister Heart Check:
Do I have favorites that I turn to exclusively for opinions?
Do I have unfavorites that I like to assign menial tasks to to drive them away?
Bullies Like To Build Silos
One of the best ways bully-leaders can continue to stay unclear and keep favorites is to erect taller silos. It is a proven method of keeping information isolated and from getting across the aisle to colleagues.
Tearing down silos is one area I think is most important because everyone at every level can work on the solution. You can’t always change your senior leader’s inner circle or ability to clarify, but you can reach across the aisle, connect with other teammates, and promote a leadership culture that sees each other first as sisters and brothers in Christ and second as co-laborers.
Minister Heart Check:
Is there someone I work with who makes me secretly smile when they do not succeed?
Is there a member of our church leadership who I try and avoid? Why?
Please remember, friends, that the root of the sin of bullying is fear. Fear of losing control, and an inability to see others in their God-given image (Imago Dei). More than just improved efficiency in your work, would you be a minister-leader who is cultivating empathy inside of your desire to grow in ministry?
We are God’s people before we are holding positions in God’s kingdom. Praying for you, your team, and your heart to lead.
Don’t become corrupted, corrosive, or cruel. Stay tender, and be reminded to be kind (Eph. 4). It matters for the health of the whole body.
This content was written by Zac Workun. Zac serves as the Student Ministry Training Specialist for Lifeway and is one of the co-founders of Youth Ministry Booster. He has served the local church in various youth ministry roles for over 15 years.
